A flawless break-up checklist for you, me and everyone we know.
I must say, I’m a pretty seasoned expert when it comes to exiting long-term relationships. So, the following checklist should basically be perfect as a reference for when you go through one of your own. You are completely welcome. Some of these are red herrings, which means they’re not real and are only there to fool you. We can make this a fun game, where you guess what’s a red herring and what’s straight-up kickass advice that you should be paying me shrink-money for.
1. Block city bitch, block-block city bitch. You know that desperate, unrelenting, psychopathic desire – nay, need– to know every detail of the ex’s movements? Squash that bitch like a bug, because it is not your friend. Here’s your comprehensive list of communication and social media platforms from which you’ll need to block the bugger, for your own good.
- WhatsApp (to avoid gazing anxiously at your chat screen in the hope that the “last seen at…” will switch to “online”, or – better still – “typing”.)
- Skype (that stupid green “online” tick is not your saviour)
- Facebook (don’t even try me with your excuses)
- Instagram (yep. As above.)
- The entire internet. Just contact one of those internet-nanny thingo’s and see if you can get your ex’s name banned from appearing in your Google searches.
2. Delete number and old messages. Aside from thwarting the classic drunk-dial, this is a simple and effective way of ensuring a full night’s sleep. A common side-effect of break-ups is sleep deprivation, on account of spending the night scrolling through texts the ex sent you last year, to the effect of “I love you baby, you are my life, my soul, my reason for living, and as such we will never ever break up because-I-would-rather-die-by-a–thousand-sharks’-fangs-than-ever-be-without-you-my-baby-baby-baby-one-and-only-love-of-my-life-xoxoxo-love-love-mushy-love-mush”.
3. Write long and impassioned-yet-diplomatic letter (by hand; less chance of a response) in which you lay out all of your condescending grievances, disguised as kind, understanding insight into his character. Thank the ex from the bottom of your loving heart (which you falsely portray as being a mere millisecond away from full recovery) for everything, and “genuinely” wish him/her all the very best in what is bound to be a sweet and happy life. Insert a reminder of the harsh sting of finality, via a casual and light-hearted note that perhaps your paths will cross one day in the future, and you can laugh about your “cute, young love” over coffee. Viola, you’ve had the last word and thus you obviously #win.
4. Mass-text your exes and anyone else that has experienced, even peripherally, your awesomeness. Give special attention to those that mourned the loss of your availability when you entered into the relationship that just ended. Seek validation that you are sexually attractive, an amazing catch and highly sought after. There is of course the option of simply paying attention to your friends and family who will insist on telling you all this and more… but we all know it’s not the same thing. Duh.
5. Make a playlist showcase Gotye’s Somebody That I Used to Know and Adele’s Rolling in the Deep, set them to repeat, and remember that these songs are obviously about you.
6. Purchase an airline ticket to South East Asia, or your nearest developing country/region. Note that Phuket and/or Kuta don’t count. Sorry. This one serves two purposes at the very least, so whilst you may need to get a fourth credit card, sublet your room to a Gumtree creeper at an inflated price, or rob a bank in order to get there – it’s worth it. Firstly, you are in dire need of perspective, and what better place to find it than a in a country where the average yearly income is less than the cost of the backpack you’re traveling with? Your puffy, teary eyes need to see for themselves that your breakup = spilt milk, and in a few months time your cleaner and/or mummy will have mopped it up. Tough love? You need it. Secondly, bring minimal moolah and leave the fucking straightener at home, because you’ll be staying in cheap n’ basic hostels and guesthouses and eating street food. Book nothing in advance but the flights there and back. Oh, and consider leaving your bestie at home and doing it alone. If you don’t yet understand the healing/edifying/enlightening/educational benefits of all-night D&M’s in hammocks with strangers from all over the globe, meandering through local produce markets, and deciding on a whim to hitchhike across a border with a Swede and a local… then you need to get our of your own pity-party, and – like I said – book the flights.
7. Offer your ex gradual and enigmatic reminders that breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to you. Though you’ve blocked/deleted the ex from Facebook, make at least some of your activity public – post it on mutual friends’ walls, or whatever. A great example is posting an artsy pic that happens to include a glimpse of a random male friend’s arm, coupled with a confusing caption such as, “now THAT’S a coconut!” (thanks and big-ups to my friend Molly for this nugget). Then, secretly imagine how devastating it must be for the ex to see how much better off you are now. For optimal results, picture him/her crying about it on the bathroom floor in a foetal position, dribbling a little.
Am I not such an expert on this that I could write a massive thesis on the topic and win a Nobel Peace Prize for it? That’s all for now break-up-ees!
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