Getting famous 101: An online guide to the best kind of notoriety.
Building street cred can be an arduous task for those of us who aren’t Barack Obama or Taylor Swift, but as this guy knows, there are ways to do it. Some say you’ve just got to find your niche, your strengths, your passions, and put them to good use. What pish-posh. In Hollywood, “street cred” and “popularity” are synonymous with “dolla-bill”. In Hollywood, as we know from the movies, antonyms of “dolla-bill” include “naked-in-a-tent-under-an-overpass” and “next-flight-back-to-a-casual-job-at-KFC”. Those are both shit options. To get the dolla-bill, you need to get cast in a Michael Bay movie, and to get cast in a Michael Bay movie, first you have to get hugely popular. Famous.
If I’ve lost you already, it’s obviously your first time in Hollywood, so it’s of the utmost importance that you read on. Having spent a couple of years in Hollywood, I feel adequately qualified to relay a few tips to any tall poppies contemplating a career-related move to this city.
Wear mascara, behave enigmatically, and smout (smile/pout) everywhere you go, because you never know when the scruffy GILF beside you at Starbucks will actually be Jack Nicholson. Upon copping a glimpse of your sexy self, Jack Nicholson may be struck by an epiphany that you are precisely what his next movie needs to become a box office sensation. If, after a casual double-take, you find that it actually isn’t Jack Nicholson and just a man buying coffee, then you’d better hope you have your elevator pitch ready. He, and anyone else within earshot, could be anybody. Even if they’re nobody, they may know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody. Consider it your job to ensure that by the end of your casual interchange, (a) they know the fundamental specifics of your brilliance, and (b) you know how much power your new friend has in the industry. Be cool about it, though. Halfway through your mini-résumé recitation, make a concerted effort to appear disinterested by pointing out something interesting on the wall. This way, it will be clear you’re not just trying to use them and, most importantly, that you’re not too eager. As foreign as this may seem, let me assure you that if you’re to become famous, networking must become second nature. As we know, in Australian culture, punishment for speaking out loud about your achievements (scientific term: “bragging”) is 40 lashes to the buttock and self-esteem areas, so this may take some getting used to.
2. Drop names.
The best thing I learned from Lindz Lohan when she and I were chilling at her sick pad with Taylor Lautner and Oprah was that name-dropping is a vital tool for getting famous. Important people always like you more when they realise that you know other important people, or that you know people that know important people. Being liked by a lot of important/cool people is a fast-track to fame by way of association, which, by the way, is basically the same thing as regular fame. Here, you can interpret the word “know” very loosely. Get creative. Book-end an offhanded comment about knowing George Clooney with a pre-arranged plan to swiftly change the subject before your pal can ask how. No children will die if you fail to mention that in this instance, “know” means “drove past his house once”. It’s all about the degree of separation, and how vaguely you can reference your connection in order to blur the embarrassing enormity of said degree.
3. Pick your battles.
Striking up a conversation with the first person you meet at a Hollywood event is like opening a Wikipedia page with all these links on it. One of these links might make you famous. At first you open the links in new tabs and keep the original, but sometimes the browser gets full and you have to delete some of the earlier, useless tabs – including the original. Bad luck. You must pick your battles in order to avoid wasting valuable time that you could have otherwise spent at the manicurist. If the person has nothing to offer you socially or fiscally (directly or indirectly), what is the point in you standing there pretending to listen to them fart and blubber with their mouth? Are you even paying attention to the sound coming out? Move on. Go chat to the guy in the corner with the dark glasses and disinterested gaze. He has probably already conceived the job that will make you famous, and if not, bang him and put it on the internet – TMZ will sort you out.
Getting famous isn’t a democracy. Hope you’ve been taking notes. The end.
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